There’s quite a bit of farting in the Matrix. Next time Morpheus should offer Neo some Beano to go with the Red Pill.

Not many things are scarier than fighting the crowds at the last minute on Christmas Eve, but I’ve started a list based on reader input. With any further delay, where is number 1 on the list – Prison Showers.

If you’ve ever been told to get your shit together, this item might be for you. The Shit Box is portable jon you can take with for those moments when nature calls and you’ve got no place to go.

Even more amazing is an optional accessory of glow in the dark toilet paper, for those things that go dump in the night..

Poos. We all do them (except Her Maj, of course). The trouble is, dropping Mr Brown and the kids off at the pool is nigh on impossible when you’re enjoying the great outdoors. Yes, you can make like a bear and shit in the woods, but curling a log straight onto the ground feels a bit, well, dirty.

Enter, with a snigger, a nudge and a somewhat aghast face, the Shit Box. As you can see, this charmingly named creation is a lightweight portable cardboard toilet, made specifically for outdoor use. Available in two sizes, the 14” original and a smaller ‘Little Jack’ version for nippers, it’s ideal for festival fans, campers, Portaloo-less builders, fishermen and kids caught short on long journeys.

Did it hurt Santa Claus?

It knocked his Rudolph.

The View’s Co-host Whoopi Goldberg appears to have farted, very  loudly in the middle of their with Homeland star Claire Danes.
Try, as she may, there is no way Ms. Goldberg will ever be able to match this next video in duration or sound quality.

Here is a unique way to stop a telemarketer in their scripted tracks. Listen as Tom Mabe puts one marketer one step closer to finding a new career.

Robots dancing to Michael Jackson’s Thriller seems fair. Jackson would occasionally do the Robot.

I know I left them laying on the table by my chair
Now they’re gone and I’m the only one who seems to care
I turned the sofa over and I looked under the rug
But all I found were pennies, lint, and a very ugly bug

I emptied out the cupboards, and looked into the trash
But all I found was garbage and a can of corned beef hash
Where could they be I pondered as I searched the highs and lows
I know I didn’t lose a brand new bag of Lays Cheetos

My wife thought I was surely mad as through the house I raced
The dog thought it was playtime as after me she chased
I’ll find them any moment I was saying to myself
I looked in every cabinet and on every storage shelf

They must be near here somewhere for their scent it always lingers
And then I spied my daughter with a hand of orange fingers
I chased her up and down the stairs and through the house we went
Around the table, into the yard ‘til I was almost spent

I trapped her in the kitchen and I grabbed her by the arm
“Produce them now! ” I told her or I fear I’ll do you harm
“They’re in my room” she pleaded “Over by my bed”
I relaxed my grip and she broke free and out the door she sped

The information she had given made me feel contented
Anticipation filled my soul as up the stairs I sprinted
I entered in my daughters room and searched among the clutter
A flash of orange caught my eye and gave my heart a flutter

I wildly leaped across the room as happy as a sprite
Grabbing the bag I quickly knew that something wasn’t right
I peered inside and what I saw quickly struck me dumb
Inside the bag was nothing more than a tiny orange crumb

They found my darling daughter at her Grandma’s late that night
Interrogation soon revealed the origin of her plight
She told of her sad story and the worst of all her woes
Was finding on a table a misplaced bag of Lays Cheetos

Misplaced Cheetos by Stephen E. Washam

then so can the banana.